Dear Dr. Oblivioso,

My boyfriend and I have been together for a couple
of years, and we decided to move in together. We even went so far as to get a
new apartment with more space and all, but he still hasn't moved in, and he
keeps putting off talking about it. What can I do to get him to move in?

Worried in Wisconsin

Dear Worried,

As my Uncle Ernesto used to say,

"un cocina gato la sopa no hace"

Which rougly translates to a cat in the kitchen does not make soup.

We always used to think that Uncle Ernesto was very wise because of his cryptic sayings until he started taking off his pants while grocery shopping and telling women that he was a bowling pin, then we discovered he was just crazy. Nevertheless, his words here have a ring of truth to them.
Your boyfriend is stalling. It's very likely that he is afraid of the big step of moving in together because it means the loss of his freedom as a man. The loss of "his own" place is a loss of control over his life, and as much as he wants to be with you, he isn't ready to step into that committment.
As much as you want to make him move in, there is really very little that you can do that wouldn't come across as being manipulative, which would just frighten him away even more. My suggestion is that you either continue to be patient and wait for him, or stop waiting and dump his ass and get on with your life.
You could also burn his house down so he'd have to move someplace else, but that could be troublesome in your future.

Dear Dr. Oblivioso,

Why am I still single?

-Hot Ass


Dear Hot Ass,

Because you're not as attractive as you think you are.

Reptile Dysfunction

Dear Dr. Oblivioso,

I have been diagnosed with erectile dysfunction, and though the doctors
don't know what's causing it, they want to try some different medications first.
I'm a little scared, because this is my little buddy we're dealing with here,
and I was wondering if you can tell me about some of the medications and what to
watch for?

Sincerely,
Limp Biscuit

Dear Biscuit,

Erectile dysfunction is something which is a difficult subject for most men because of the psychological implications of not being able to "get it up" somehow equating to not being as much of a man. While certainly it is true that an inability to gain an erection destroys your manhood, it is sometghing that affects a large number of men (as shown by the popularity of drugs such as Viagra^®, Levitra^®, and Cialis^®.
Viagra seems to be the most popular, and it seems to work more on the desire side of things. Reports are that it makes the "tingly" feeling more tingly, if that helps at all. Levitra seems to work more on the actual erectile function, the actual underlying "plumbing" as it were. Cialis looks to be a lot like Viagra, but with a longer half-life (17 hours compared to 4).
Because I am still completely a man, I do not have any firsthand experience with any of the erectile dysfunction medications, but I have heard that Viagra tends to enhance the pleasure of the orgasm itself, while Levitra tends to provide for longer erections. Not longer as in size, longer as in time. There are also several reports that Viagra also increases the pleasure of the orgasm for women as well, though I have had no need to explore this avenue of intellectual curiosity.
There are some possible side effects, including dizziness, drop in blood pressure, possible nausea, headaches and general malaise. These you should discuss with your doctor. Also, be aware that most insurance companies don't co-pay for ED medications, which are expensive (running about $10 to $15 per dose).
There are also several nonprescription "erectile enhancement" medications available through various online sources, most notably from the TV commercials is Enzyte. The TV commercials are designed to make you think that you will get a larger, stronger penis by taking these pills, but the facts are that they do nothing except sign you up for recurring charges on your credit card bill. This is how they afford television commercials in the first place.
If none of these medications works for you, there are other (more drastic) procedures that can be done, but they usually require a specialist known as a urologist to handle.
In short, your penis defines your worth as a man, and you should take care of it in any way possible, not to mention that erectile dysfunction is also a symptom of certain heart conditions. Definitely discuss this with your doctor.

HotMonkeyLover writes:

Dear Dr. Oblivioso,
First: How does one ask a question?

This is a very good question. That is a good start.

The easiest way is to e-mail me at oblivioso@gmail.com which will get to me through the magic of the internets. You may also post a response to one of the posts, which may or may not get to me directly, and may not be answered by the real Doctor Oblivioso.

If you wish to remain anonymous, as many people who have problems of love choose to do, you may add a fake name such as HotMonkeyLover has done, and I will use that instead of your real name, such as Mike Reynolds. This may be a good option when you are asking about how to appropriately treat the Monkey Herpes or something similar.

Second: Are you a real doctor?

This is really a two-part question:
Q: Am I real?
A: Yes, I am real. I am not a figment of your imagination.

Q: Am I a doctor?
A: I am not a doctor in the sense of "turn your head and cough" or "here is your bill". I am a doctor in the sense that I have recieved a PhD in Loveology from the University of Latin America. This does not allow me to write prescriptions, but good news for Mike: Zovirax is available over-the-counter.

Wilkommen!

Hello, I am your host, Doctor Oblivioso, the Latin Doctor of Love. True: I have a PhD in Loveology from the University of Latin America, which is a litle misleading because they don't actually speak Latin there, and that was embarrassing.

My purpose here is to answer the questions that you may have on all things related to love and loveology in general. Loveology should not be confused with Loveoscopy: loveology is the study of love, where loveoscopy is looking at your love with a rather delicate medical instrument that is inserted into various orfices of your body in sometimes uncomfortable situations. Trust me, you do not want to confuse them. Loveography is a completely different thing that involves the drawing of dirty pictures while you are on the telephone listening to a recorded voice interrupting the orchestral version of Stairway to Heaven to tell you how important your call is. I do not talk about that here, unless your pictures are very good.

So please, ask your questions and I shall do my best to provide you with advice that I have archived in my little black book of love, and try to ease your pain just a little.

To ask a question, send e-mail to oblivioso@gmail.com.

Salutado.